Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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