Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
