got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
