When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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