Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
