God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
