First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
