I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
