found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I had to cum in my sink.
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