You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
