If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
