I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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