I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
