I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
