Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
