when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
