My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
