I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
