You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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