"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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