Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
