after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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