Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
