in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
