Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
