Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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