To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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