I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
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He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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