Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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