having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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