my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
