I am puke
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
