I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
