I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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