So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
