i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
