I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
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I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
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