Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
