I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You ruined the universe
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