I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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