I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
