Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way