She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.