sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
