I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
