I'm lost and stupid without you.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
