Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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