bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
