The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
