Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
