I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
