I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
