we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
