His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
