You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
